Decisions, Decisions….

MRI test results are out. It shows I have 3 Fibroids. Thought I had just one. Or maybe the 2 popped up from me giving up on eating healthy food etc? Dunno

Every other thing seems fine, uterus and all.

I have a doctor’s appointment next week and will know for sure when I can have the surgery.

By the way, the usual chaos happened at the test center. My age. They refused to believe my age.

Em…….. this is not one of those I know I look younger than my age thing, my case is usually an alarming one. It usually is a ‘That’s not your age’ reaction. When anyone asks me my age, I make sure they’re not in the middle of swallowing anything – food or drink, because I ‘ve had people choke on my answer before. Airports, hospitals, work interviews,…..It’s endless. I guess it’s not only because I have a chubby little girl face but because I am very small. I wear a U.K Size 6 dress and even that….I have a few size 4 pairs of jeans. I have no hips or butt. Just a chubby face and very soft spoken, which is why My case is a ‘that’s not your age’one 😦

And at 39, I weigh 50kg. Yep. I guess I’m underweight. I’ve tried all I can to gain weight, protein shakes, exercise, seen doctors, eaten healthy, eaten too much, eaten junk, eaten before 6, eaten late at night, done squats, got a personal trainer, used drugs. Trust me, I have tried. Tried each one for years but no luck. No matter what I do or eat I never go above 50kg. Instead, my stomach grows bigger and my thighs thinner. So, I have stopped trying.

I should be grateful right? No. The useless country where I was born, people only respect you and you only get attention from men if you look like a king kong. But I look like a little chinese boy, so ……..it’s been a tough life for me 😦

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I need to decide if I’ll be using a sperm donor or adopt a child. At times like this I wish I had a really close friend to talk to. I used to have a blog that did very well between 2009 and 2015, then I met this psycho guy who hacked into everything I had so I had to shut down my work website, blog and deactivated email addresses!  [He’s Polish, in case anyone is wondering] Anyway, when the blog was doing great I had a couple of ‘Friends’ who would give me advise when I seem to be confused on something. Right now, No one knows that I have this blog. No one I know. Hopefully. I’m happy with this because I can pour out my heart and say everything knowing no family is reading ready to judge me as usual. What the fuck am I on about??………………

Back to the crux of the matter. I’m not sure if they do all that sperm donor thingy in this hopeless country, but I’ll find out next week. Adopting isn’t easy here either especially for a single lady.

Whatever happens, I need to have a child when I am 40. I’m 40 next year. If I cannot find a man, I might as well have a child I can talk to and yell at and play with and run after and care for and go shopping with and fight for and smile and cry with. Hopefully we’ll be doing a lot of laughing and only happy tears.

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It’s 12:15a.m and I think I ‘ll be going for a walk once I’m done typing.

 

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