Tired

My surgery will be in 2 parts. I hate that. I hate the surgeon, I hate the nurses, I hate the clinic, I hate the city, I hate the country!

I am very unhappy with the closest person to me. Extremely unhappy. He never stands up for me, never defends me on anything and is always quick to say negative things about me. I think I will cut him off. I will.

Actually, thinking about it now, I am very angry and disappointed and the anger is growing more. Thinking about all the time I needed him when we worked together and I was bullied and he never fought for me, and Last night I was saying something about not replying a nurse at the clinic and he spoke so passionately in her defense like it was a life or death issue! I hate that he still gives my sister audience knowing fully well that we’re estranged and she did a lot of bad things to me over the years. I hate that he doesn’t understand things and judges me wrongly.  I hate that he never understand me and I have to spend so much time explaining myself. And still he never understands.

I hate that I’m so skinny and I have no hips and I have no butt. I think I”m going to be lonely the rest of my life. I think that I might end up killing myself at some point. The thought comes to me every now and then and I fear that it will finally happen.

I hate that I have no one around me with a good sense of humor, someone who gets me, someone who can defend me when the time comes, someone who will say one good thing about me.

I hate this life. It’s so foolish. God needs to come already. Everyone is tired. People are tired, dying, killing each other, spreading hate, people are only interested in what they can gain from each other and they foolishly promote things that are shiny and empty!

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