I feel Awful

Prior to the surgery I read a lot about other women have had the same surgery and they all had happy tales of recovery. Either they were all lying or something aint right.

I feel very very awful. Sickly, frustrated, depressed, lonely, and in so much pain! I can’t do anything. And it’s much worse because I’m on the second floor and no one can get to me freely unless I go downstairs to let them in or i throw them the fob to the gate and yell out instructions from upstairs on how to open it!

I need my bin taken out everyday, I’m hungry for fast food, I’m tired of the food I had stored in the freezer before going to the clinic, I’m dying for pastries and I want to eat a sandwich everyday. These are things which I used to do easily on a daily basis without any hassle, but because I’m alone it’s so frustrating. The more I try the more pain I feel.

******************

 

That brings me to the reason why I needed to have that surgery. The fibroids itself did not bother me. I didn’t have any of the symptoms other women had, I just wanted it removed because I want to try for a child and didn’t want anything to get in the way. If I try for a child within a year and cannot have one then I will adopt, If I cannot adopt then I will have to leave this country! I will. If I don’t I will die single and miserable. I need to live in an environment where I can be old, single, have 50 cats and be happy even if I have no husband or children. You cannot live like that in this useless country.

Wobbling around the house alone, I can see that I need someone. A partner, child, househelp, anyone! I don’t pray to be incapacitated again but…..No one knows. I will need support every now and then for one reason or the other.

I also realize even more now that people are straight out selfish. They only care for themselves and their immediate family/loved ones. No one will happily do anything for you unless you give them something in return or you’re directly related to them.

I remember searching for steristrips and other items for weeks before my surgery and couldn’t find it. They are not things you can easily get in this useless country. I told someone [that one person I said I’ll certainly cut off soon] He said he has no idea but he’ll ask around and let me know. He never did. That isn’t the first time I’ll ask him for something of that nature. Usually, because I live in a useless country, there’s the need to either buy things and have them sent from other countries or have things sent over there for whatever reasons, he always says he doesn’t know anyone coming into the country or travelling out. BUT, when he needs to send something to his family, he does it easily and instantly without any hassle. Not by courier, but through a friend. Last week he had Vitamin C sent to canada!!!!!!!!!

When I heard, I was literally in shock. I was frozen and didn’t know how to react. It was unbelievable. Vitamin C??? To Canada?? What, the country has banned the sales of the vitamin or what? Within the past 2 weeks he has had things sent there and received stuff from Canada and the U.K at least 3 times.

Ok. I didn’t say anything. Like I always say, no one owes me shit. No one has to do anything for anyone. I am not his wife or sister so he doesn’t need to TRY to do ANYTHING for me.

Actually, I’m going to become even tougher with people like this. And then I try but I fail.

He came to me to ask for a loan after that and I gave him. That’s just my nature. I try to be evil but I never succeed at this. But one day, soon, things will change. It could be a sudden or gradual change but I will change and I will not save a dying ”’Friend” if all I need to do to save him/her is to fart, I’ll hold it in forever and let them die.

 

I’ve lived all my life jumping up and helping others and I have never met anyone who is ready to do same for me. That’s partly why I keep to myself because people have proved over and over again to be useless to me.

 

…..

 

I will continue to refer to the country I live in as ”Useless Country”. It will remain so because that’s what it is.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s