Not Better

The past one week I haven’t been feeling so good.

I did have a 2 day fun weekend with my sister and a friend. We watched a movie and went tree climbing. I also went on that swinging bridge thingy they call canopy walk. I still have no idea why people were scared of it but anyway….

Once I’m back in my hut, the depression takes over. I feel hopeless. Lonely and very helpless.

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Sometimes it pays to be an asshole or empty brain. I mean, Look at kim kardashian, kylie jenner, Trump and Beyonce. I see nothing spectacular in any of them, but if they as much as sneeze, their mucus droplets will be sold for billions! [what is mucus droplets? I dunno I made it up]

Actually, I think Trump is a smart man, the others are just lucky.

I will never buy any makeup made by anything associated to the kartrasians. I will never buy a Beyonce CD simply because I do not enjoy her music. I do not hate this people, I just have no idea why they are so popular and there’s nothing about them that appeals to me.

Christiana Aguilera has the most powerful voice I’ve ever heard, yet she’s not as popular or valuable as beyonce. Such is life.

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My sister is getting older too. She’s also single. Like me, she also looks far younger than her age. People usually guess her age to be between 25-28. Never over 30. She’s 41.

I feel sorry for her as much as I feel sorry for myself. I cry sometimes when I look at her, single and alone. The way she walks and does stuff. She drives with so much frustration. If I had money I’d get her a driver and not allow her to drive at all. She has so much anger in her. And unlike me, she bottles up her emotions and let everything boil inside her.

Sometimes, she doesn’t listen to me when I talk. A lot of times actually.

She just sits there and looks at her phone. And then she rolls her eyes or says I talk too much. The only time she’s attentive is when she needs money from me.

I feel sorry for her because I handle loneliness better than she does. If I stop talking to her she’ll have no one but her deceptive and inappropriate friends.

 

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But we both have tried. My sister and I.

All the good deeds we do for people. Things we’ve done from our youth till present, people we’ve helped, people we’ve encouraged and given hope to. Charities we’ve assisted. Right now, I’m wondering if it was worth it at all.

Maybe we should have focused on ourselves and said no to everyone that came to us for help. A lot of times people do not need to come to us for help, we just see that they’re needy in one way or another and we decide to help them.

People have prayed for us, but our lives never changed for the better. We never got anything we prayed for. No matter how much we work, try, fast, pray, do good, let go, don’t let go, think positively, act positively, put our minds at it, not think about it…. whatever. It just never works out. Every single thing I hoped for when I was younger, Did not come to me.

Loosing my mum was THE MOST painful thing that ever happened to me. It’s pain I cannot define. Its 7 years and it’s still so painful. I feel like God really wants to deal with me and take away anything and everything I love.

But if she was alive she would have been unhappy because her children are single and not happy.

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I feel like I have sinned a great sin that cannot be forgiven and God has given the devil authority to deal with me.

That is why I do not believe anymore. I have lost my faith.

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