Not Fine

Not reading that ugly book anymore. Pointless. Got to the 3rd Chapter and threw it aside.

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I’ve done a lot of reading of the satanic church though. Quite interesting.

I intend to read more on them.

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It’s that moment in an adult woman’s life when she desperately wants a child but ends up having unprotected sex with the dirtiest, most unskilled, most unaware man in town!

He is academically brilliant. But that’s where it ends. Every other thing he has achieved has been by sheer good luck. He cannot fix a bulb, he cannot fix ANYTHING in the house, cannot tidy his room, keep ANYTHING tidy, he doesn’t think far, cannot plan, is unaware of the dangers around him, is careless, very simple minded and is a great pretender.

We’ve been friends for so many years, Why am I friends with someone like that? Well, he IS calm, soft spoken and can be helpful sometimes. Not everyone in this country is like that. A lot of men around here have very close traits to a baboon.

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That said…..

I’ve always known I’ll be raising a child alone. I know I cannot get married. Unless I leave this country of course. No one here will marry a pancake flat looking woman like me.

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So. If Indeed I am pregnant, I will keep the baby and raise him on my own. It had better be a ‘him’

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My neighbours are crap. Hopeless. Noisy. Nosy. Dirty. Jobless. Irritating. Never knew I’ll be meeting a bunch of miscreants there. I’ve lived in another part of the estate before and thought this side would be ideal as well. But no. Prostitutes and fraudsters every fucking where!! All Irresponsible.

I don’t know if i should live with this or move again. I have moved 4 times in 6 years!!! I will decide before I finish typing this THING!

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When I was in London I never moved houses like that. The only time I moved was when I had a better job and wanted to move to a bigger place with my own bathroom and I got it.

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A lot of times still, I think about suicide. And then I think maybe I should go round and kill all those who hurt me before finally killing myself. I think about that a lot. Actually like every hour.

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Maybe when I finally have a child, my mind will be occupied with raising him and dealing with new mummy issues and I wont have the time to think of suicide.

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40 is a few months away. So if indeed I am pregnant I will try to be happy and ignore other issues around me. But also, I need to find an ideal accommodation. My current place is not giving me 100% peace of mind. I need to Move.

Decided.

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